WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM HIV - WORLD AIDS DAY 2011

Few things have expanded my existence more than HIV. Practically every boundary of my being has been challenged by this controversial disease and I have been forced to grow beyond my wildest dreams.

Firstly, Aids gave me the opportunity to come face to face with death, to really understand that the life that I know will not last forever. In those moments of feeling the life force draining from my being, my connection with the Infinite became intensely real. This was not driven by the fear of death, but rather from an experience of knowing the perpetual closeness of our Creator, when the very sophistications of life had been replaced by stark simplicity. To visit our mortality and to then rebound into life, builds a meaningful gratitude for the absolute essence of life.

HIV has taken me into the deep reservoirs of my being, to show me aspects of myself I had never met before. On this extraordinary journey, I visited both the light and dark aspects of who I am and suddenly understood that both were equally important. Without the privilege of understanding my darkness, how could I ever appreciate my light?

Few things engender more fear than HIV. The fear of death, the fear of rejection, the fear of dreams being imploded and the intense fear of irreversible change. Each of these fears represented another mountain of personal challenge and as I have attempted to climb them, I get breathless by the excitement of slaying dragons and learning the self-imposed limitation of unconquered fear. Transcending fear becomes a milestone on the journey to becoming MORE.

Shocked by the diagnosis of HIV, I visited a solitary personal space to internalise this harsh news. A few months later, I decided that to remain a victim of HIV was to entirely abdicate the remainder of my life. In those early days I tried to understand stigma and soon realised that stigma began with me. Stigma was not something others imposed on me; stigma was encouraged or invited by the state of my own thinking.

To choose empowering thoughts above my crushing fear of rejection was an opportunity to manage my ego and to refuse to be a slave to it. When my face was covered in unsightly sores and looked gaunt and drawn from the impact of this illness, I refused to closet myself away from society. When people stared, I chose to smile back to remind them that I was also a fragile human trying to make the most of the cards I had been dealt. In those moments, people got my measure and accepted me fully, because mysteriously they realised that I had accepted myself just as I was.

In the formative part of my life, I became drawn to counselling and healing. In those early times, I was probably motivated by the need to rescue people from their pain. This work always brought a bounty of immeasurable joy. More recently, life took me right into the vortex of healing, working with African people struggling with this life changing virus. This work has shown me that I am no longer motivated by the need to rescue. As I interact with this sea of hurting humanity, my role is to show them love and respect and to help them help themselves, as they, like me try to make sense of extreme adversity. I delight as I watch seemingly unsophisticated people transcend their challenges and begin to ascend the opportunity of becoming MORE.

HIV/Aids has become a huge, widely politicised business. This multi-billion dollar industry jealously guards its territory, preventing the possibility of the emergence of a cure. I am saddened at how relatively innocent people are used to lobby for the maintenance of the status quo, without ever thinking that there might be something more profound. I currently work with cutting-edge technology developed over twenty years ago. The progress of this treatment remains thwarted by pressure from those who aim to preserve their own privileged position.

I now clearly understand that my contracting HIV was not only part of my own necessary development as a human being, but it has placed me at a critical juncture to facilitate healing for so many others. As we move beyond the short-term discomfort of challenge to try to understand how it may support our life's purpose, our opened consciousness suddenly allows us to see light in seeming darkness and to benefit all from our enlightened experience.

May this World Aids Day herald significant shifts in thinking around this illness. May we begin to discern how we need to react in the most appropriate ways for the upliftment of ourselves and humanity in general. Life is difficult, but it is through adversity that we are always given a sublime opportunity to become MORE!